About two weeks ago, I noticed many of my female friends sharing the same story, titled “Cheating – it could happen anywhere”, on Facebook. The story was originally a forum post on Webtretho, a big online community for Vietnamese mothers with more than 1.4 million users. Ever since it was posted in 2012, the true story of Leaf.2012, who is also the author has attracted more than 1 million views in Webtretho alone and was spread on myriads of Facebook pages. Attention for the story was revived again after online news sites published the full story in an easy-to-follow series format.
The story is set in an ordinary Vietnamese family. The 36-year-old wife (“Vợ” – “Wife”) is not pretty but not ugly – became chubby after giving birth but not fat and has simple dressing style which is nice but does not show any unique personality. The 38-year-old husband (“Chồng” – “Husband”) is neither tall nor handsome, yet masculine. “Wearing spruce outfit, driving an ordinary motorbike, Husband is just one among thousands of other drivers with helmets covering their heads.” One day, Wife found out Husband was cheating on her as she accidentally read his text messages. She confronted Husband and he apologized, promised to stop the affair. Wife accepted Husband’s apology, took partial blame on herself for not paying enough attention to appearance and not spending time to engage with Husband in other matters aside family. Wife went to the gym, hired a maid to have more quality time with Husband and their children. Things seemed to be better between them until Husband got a food poison and had to go to the hospital, leaving his chat window open. While shutting down his laptop, Wife saw his chat conversation which was apparently with his lover. She felt like the world crumbled again. Feeling betrayed, she was torn between anger, her love for Husband and maternal instinct to keep a “complete” family for her children.
The story is nothing new. Like the title suggests, it is the story that can happen to anyone, in any kind of family. Vietnam is still well on its way in the sex revolution. Love hotels are everywhere, available for 4$ per hour. Together with office, the Internet creates myriads of venues to discretely and effectively meet potential lovers via online forums, chat rooms or chat apps. Cheating has never been so easy for both men and women. “Cheating – It can happen anywhere” is the story that manyVietnamese women not only relate to but have already experienced.
As a single woman, what surprises me the most is the husband’s reaction when the wife confronted him about the affair – “I know it was my fault which is why I’ve tried to compensate for you and the kids whenever I can. You have to admit that I don’t neglect any duties to the family.” It seems fulfilling duties to family – provide for the family, support wife in critical domestic matters, have meals with family, play with kids and so on – is a common bargain to justify for infidelity. The mindset that extramarital affair is harmless as long as the husband fulfills his domestic duties and keeps the affair a secret is prevalent. And so, the husband in this story felt bad more because he let his wife find out about the affair than because it was simply an act of betrayal. According to Doctor Khuat Thu Hong, Deputy Director of the Research Institute for Social Development (Social Science Institute of Vietnam)
“In unsuccessful marriages, women are more disadvantaged than men. If men are not happy with their marriage, they still have the freedom to “seek for solace” in other social affairs which help them bear the unhappy marriage. Since men have few reasons to divorce, they “only want more but not less”. Men don’t want to change (divorce) out of concern for their status and financial position. Without divorcing their wives, men still have their freedom whereas women have to bear the marriage until they divorce.”
Just like other patriarchal societies, Vietnamese society appears to be much more tolerant to infidelity caused by men. Men’s tendency for infidelity is associated with their nature (“bản tính”) which implies that it is a natural and inevitable action, thus, women should just accept it. This perception is not only upheld by men but also women, especially from older generation. Having known about Husband’s adultery, his mother-in-law advised Wife to bear with it to keep the family together because “all men are flirty but they would never leave their wives and children” (hinting they only do so when the wives push them away).
In fact, Wife, despite her anger and sorrow, only thought of divorce as something to threaten Husband rather than an actual solution. Instead, she decided to have an unofficial semi-separation from her husband – both were still living in the same house and took care of the children but were not obliged to act like husband/wife to the other, for example, no sex and no questions where the other person is. This seems to be an odd choice. Apart from her love for Husband and the typical desire to keep the father for her children, social perception of divorce is a major barrier to divorce. Women who have either divorced or lost their husbands are often called by a pejorative name, ‘gái nạ dòng”. They are subjects to ridicules such as this folk:
“Trai tơ lấy phải nạ dòng
Như nước mắm thối chấm lòng lợn thiu.
Nạ dòng vớ phải trai tơ
Đêm nằm hớn hở như mơ được vàng.”
“Un-wed men get married to women who have been divorced
Is like stale pig tripe dipped with rotten fish sauce
Women who have been divorced get married to un-wed men
Smile the whole night as if they hit the jackpot.”
While a divorced man can always remarry, the chance for a divorced woman to find another man is slim, especially if she is “old”, in her thirties like Wife in this story.
Furthermore, divorced women do not receive much legal protection or social support. In many divorce cases, the fathers do not implement his duties including financial duties with his children, leaving the burden to the mothers. A close friend of mine had a divorce at the age of 23 years old. After several years, her ex-husband decided not to pay child maintenance without giving any notice. After she stopped letting him see the child (for other reasons and not because of him not paying child maintenance), he came to her workplace and beat her there. She tried to sue him and had to bribe the administration for the case to be considered. But her ex-husband paid them more to turn down the case. And so my friend’s law suit fell into silence. It was a bitter experience for my friend, as a young single mom and also to me, her helpless friend. It is clear to us, more than ever, that we, women, are on our own here.
The first time Wife found out about Husband’s affair, she decided to change – investing in her appearance and spending time with him in his hobbies. While it helped improving their relationship, it was all about him. There were times when she was so close to taking the conventional path – “Like other wives and mothers who want to protect and give their children a happy childhood, perhaps I should sacrifice myself. I should accept that what he said was true and live with that “truth”.” But it turned out to be “just days of not being myself, feeling hurt, doubt and angry. I could only keep the father for my children but not my family’s atmosphere that was once warm.” Through her personal story, Leaf.2012 has made a statement that conventional norms – dedication or even sacrifice for family and tolerance to infidelity – do not work.
Wife in the story has gone through several stages to set herself free. Readers can sense Buddhism influence in her emotional transformation. From anger and sorrow, she learned to accept – accept the suffering side of life and that love does not last. This is the premise for letting go – “Let things happen naturally. I don’t force myself to believe when I can’t believe. Nor do I force myself to love when I know this love will not be returned. I let myself live the way that makes me happy.” After so much pain, she had learned to think of Husband and his lover with compassion – “When being able to empathize with “the enemy”, the pain they caused me is somehow relieved. I no longer feel revengeful.”
Wife started to build an independent life to prepare for possible absence of Husband in the future (though deep inside, she didn’t want this to happen). She switched to a new job which was well-paid and allowed her to be more dynamic. She reconnected with her old friends and formed her own support network. She engaged the children in fun activities such as cooking or going to cafes without Husband (since he was not usually home on weekends) and so, the girls started to get used to family time of only mother and daughters. The highest level of independence, emotional independence, is achieved when she was no longer anchoring her feelings on Husband’s presence. She didn’t have to go out anytime he was not home to fill up the emptiness he left. She could simply stay home with the children. And when she went out for a coffee, it was because she wanted to.
They say “Every cloud has a silver lining”. Being forced to live out of Husband’s shadow made Wife realize how interesting her life could be. The journey to independence in life helped her to rediscover herself – who she is, what she wants and what she can do – all that she had ignored in more than ten years of marriage.
The message is resonating and inspiring. Out of thousands of responses, many Vietnamese women were reflecting on her story. HeoConRongCon, a member of Webtretho said “I have come to realize that many things which our grandparents and mothers taught us about duties of a wife such as devotion for family, serve every single need of theirs…are wrong. Such thoughts contribute to many family tragedies (Husbands are the kings, wives are servants) and premarital affair is a typical example. If a wife is attentive to her husband and children all the time but forget about her health and personal happiness, her family will become passive, selfish and completely dependent on her. I think from this forum, there will be a new generation of women who know how to make their own happiness and enjoy life. They are the ones who know NOT to sacrifice because there is no need for scarifice. They are the ones who can teach their daughters lessons about how to be wives and mothers – lessons which are completely different from what we have always been taught.” From the story, member Redrose74 draw a learning “Leaf has a “balanced love” – love for yourself, for your husband, children, friends, work and life. I only wish women would love in a balance like that – love without losing ourselves, love but still confident and independent, to create our own happiness. Only then will our partners respect us and our happiness will last.”
Vietnamese women admire Wife’s transformation while still relate to it. At no time did she express any disrespect to traditional values and family hierarchy. Even when she was already financially independent from her husband, she still let him know that he was the key breadwinner and encouraged him to progress in his career. Despite her new renegotiated role, she gave him the kind of respect expected from a wife for her husband.
The story is closed with a “happy ending” – Husband asked Wife to “fall in love with him again”. But it is is not just the story about a wife cheated by her husband and finally winning him back. It is about a quest to find a balance between modern reality and traditional values and the emergence of women’s individual self in the family harmony
L.L
Saigon 11th May 2014
Reference
Tình cảnh người phụ nữ sau ly hôn. (2011, July 2). – Tinh canh nguoi phu nu sau ly hon. Retrieved May 11, 2014, from http://tapchilamdep.com/loi-song/phu-nu-can-biet/Tinh_canh_nguoi_phu_nu_sau_ly_hon-26031.dep
You can read the full story here (in Vietnamese): http://247plus.net/ngoai-tinh-chuyen-o-dau-cung-co-tap-1-d49917.html